Rager and Changer.

Last night, it finally happened for me. It's been a moment I have been anxiously awaiting and needing.

I had NO idea where to start in order to get to there but I found out where to start.

This post obviously needs a bit more detail. 

It began with frustrations with life in our home.

Frustrations that could have been handled normally, BUT wasn't.

(It's nothing life threatening, or devastating... but in a marriage, difficult. Details are not necessary.)

It turned me into a rager. Angry. Frustrations were irritations and annoyances.

These irritations and annoyances turned into constant complaints.

These constant complaints turned me into a person of independence.
And independence in a marriage does two things: hinders a union with your spouse and your Lord.

Ya, that's where I was.

A few weeks ago, my sweet friend 3,000+ miles away from me, lent me an ear as I tried to just casually talk about life at home. Being "independent and prideful" I tried to keep it very surface. I didn't want her to ask questions. I didn't want her to care. I also didn't want anyone to know of our flaws as a couple. (Why? I have no idea. Every marriage has their seasons of difficulties.)

But finally, after sometime I just started to be vulnerable. I told her my "secrets" at home (which again, please don't freak out... it's just clashing in a home). With sympathy and sisterhood, she says, "It's no fair I can't be with you to give you a hug... I am sorry I live so far away." (This is definitely a paraphrase, but it was a long those lines). As I am sobbing on the phone full of frustrating feelings and anger, she leaves me saying she is ALWAYS praying for me... and in the moment, I know that was what I needed to hear. But I wanted something to heal now. Change now. I want the next thing to be what it should be and how it should go. I want it now. After a few hours of a quiet home, time, and space... reading some workbooks my husband and I worked on as fiances, I realized it. It finally clicked. One reason why our union was hindered was because I was holding back forgiving him and holding on to frustrations. And when my union with my husband is hindered because of my sin, so is my union with my Lord. 

After that realization, I thought this will change EVERYTHING. So, I continued my routine of being in the Word as much as I could remember daily. And a book that I had been waiting for months to read finally came into the library, "One Thousand Gifts." (I will be doing a book review... so look out for it.) I began reading it.... and continued to invest more and more time into it. The next thing I knew, I was in love with the book. Highly encouraged by the book. And I thought, this will change EVERYTHING.

Then, my freaking out began. Again. Anxious. Stressed. Tired. Insecure. Upset. Frustrated, I freaked out. Things were not going MY way, the way I thought things should go. The independence never left. The control just dug deeper within me. My husband, who gently handles these freak outs, just loved on me... with soft words and voice. He listened... as I am freaking out. Blaming him for everything, things that couldn't be changed now but I wanted them too. Every little thing that wasn't done in my timing and my way, frustrated me. One night all I remember him saying is, "It won't just change now, when you want. It just won't. It takes time." After that, is a blur of tears and bottled up anger.

With feelings of embarrassment for my behavior and angry heart, I felt stuck and didn't know where to start. Because I was reading that "One Thousand Gifts" which is about thankfulness, I thought... maybe it will start with gratitude. After a few attempts within a couple days... nothing changed. My final thought was, I can't change. After a frustrating situation last night, Daniel just came up and hugged me... kissed me and told me over and over and over and over again "I love you." I looked at him and said, "Why can't things just work out for me? Why can't it just go the way I want it to." This was after yet another freak out on the phone and my embarrassment and desire to change.

We made it to church last night and was blessed with fellowship with friends. So good. So needed. I was tired but glad we made it for the social. We were blessed with an amazing worship set by The New Divide, a band who is traveling all over the world to serve the Lord and play. The night ended with the Lord totally using their set as a way to reveal a the dirt and filth in my heart. With tears of guilt and frustration with myself I sang: 

Your love is extravagant

Your friendship, it is intimate

I feel like moving to the rhythm of Your grace 

Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place

Your love is extravagant

Spread wide in the arms of Christ is the love that covers sin

No greater love have I ever known You considered me a friend

Capture my heart again

The thoughts of thankfulness for unfailing love flood my mind. Reminding me that His love covers all. His never ending love will capture my heart. And that this is will be the safest, most committed friendship I will ever have. He wants to know my flaws. Then the words quietly fell from my lips as tears roll down my cheek:

All this pain

I wonder if I’ll ever find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found

Could a garden come up from this ground at all

All around

I am thinking, I have tried GOD. What else can I do but fight the desire? What else GOD? I can't change. I continued singing: 

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

The reminder of hope out of my chaos, beauty out of the dirt in my life, growth will come. Change will appear. Yes, I can change.

The Lord has promised good to me.

His word my hope secures.

He will my shield and portion be,

As long as life endures.

And how can my night not end any sweeter. Words of encouragement and love from my Savior sang in front of me and out of my mouth hand in hand with my husband. Both unions squashing any kind of hindrance .. and just in awe of His timing, His tools, and His love for me.

Change comes through Him. I think the struggle is always how to rely on Him... but like I said earlier  "I had NO idea where to start in order to get there but I found out where to start." And it's in Him. 

Here is to another season in life, beginning with in Him and ending in relying on Him.

Happy writing my friends!