Rager and Changer.

Last night, it finally happened for me. It's been a moment I have been anxiously awaiting and needing.

I had NO idea where to start in order to get to there but I found out where to start.

This post obviously needs a bit more detail. 

It began with frustrations with life in our home.

Frustrations that could have been handled normally, BUT wasn't.

(It's nothing life threatening, or devastating... but in a marriage, difficult. Details are not necessary.)

It turned me into a rager. Angry. Frustrations were irritations and annoyances.

These irritations and annoyances turned into constant complaints.

These constant complaints turned me into a person of independence.
And independence in a marriage does two things: hinders a union with your spouse and your Lord.

Ya, that's where I was.

A few weeks ago, my sweet friend 3,000+ miles away from me, lent me an ear as I tried to just casually talk about life at home. Being "independent and prideful" I tried to keep it very surface. I didn't want her to ask questions. I didn't want her to care. I also didn't want anyone to know of our flaws as a couple. (Why? I have no idea. Every marriage has their seasons of difficulties.)

But finally, after sometime I just started to be vulnerable. I told her my "secrets" at home (which again, please don't freak out... it's just clashing in a home). With sympathy and sisterhood, she says, "It's no fair I can't be with you to give you a hug... I am sorry I live so far away." (This is definitely a paraphrase, but it was a long those lines). As I am sobbing on the phone full of frustrating feelings and anger, she leaves me saying she is ALWAYS praying for me... and in the moment, I know that was what I needed to hear. But I wanted something to heal now. Change now. I want the next thing to be what it should be and how it should go. I want it now. After a few hours of a quiet home, time, and space... reading some workbooks my husband and I worked on as fiances, I realized it. It finally clicked. One reason why our union was hindered was because I was holding back forgiving him and holding on to frustrations. And when my union with my husband is hindered because of my sin, so is my union with my Lord. 

After that realization, I thought this will change EVERYTHING. So, I continued my routine of being in the Word as much as I could remember daily. And a book that I had been waiting for months to read finally came into the library, "One Thousand Gifts." (I will be doing a book review... so look out for it.) I began reading it.... and continued to invest more and more time into it. The next thing I knew, I was in love with the book. Highly encouraged by the book. And I thought, this will change EVERYTHING.

Then, my freaking out began. Again. Anxious. Stressed. Tired. Insecure. Upset. Frustrated, I freaked out. Things were not going MY way, the way I thought things should go. The independence never left. The control just dug deeper within me. My husband, who gently handles these freak outs, just loved on me... with soft words and voice. He listened... as I am freaking out. Blaming him for everything, things that couldn't be changed now but I wanted them too. Every little thing that wasn't done in my timing and my way, frustrated me. One night all I remember him saying is, "It won't just change now, when you want. It just won't. It takes time." After that, is a blur of tears and bottled up anger.

With feelings of embarrassment for my behavior and angry heart, I felt stuck and didn't know where to start. Because I was reading that "One Thousand Gifts" which is about thankfulness, I thought... maybe it will start with gratitude. After a few attempts within a couple days... nothing changed. My final thought was, I can't change. After a frustrating situation last night, Daniel just came up and hugged me... kissed me and told me over and over and over and over again "I love you." I looked at him and said, "Why can't things just work out for me? Why can't it just go the way I want it to." This was after yet another freak out on the phone and my embarrassment and desire to change.

We made it to church last night and was blessed with fellowship with friends. So good. So needed. I was tired but glad we made it for the social. We were blessed with an amazing worship set by The New Divide, a band who is traveling all over the world to serve the Lord and play. The night ended with the Lord totally using their set as a way to reveal a the dirt and filth in my heart. With tears of guilt and frustration with myself I sang: 

Your love is extravagant

Your friendship, it is intimate

I feel like moving to the rhythm of Your grace 

Your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place

Your love is extravagant

Spread wide in the arms of Christ is the love that covers sin

No greater love have I ever known You considered me a friend

Capture my heart again

The thoughts of thankfulness for unfailing love flood my mind. Reminding me that His love covers all. His never ending love will capture my heart. And that this is will be the safest, most committed friendship I will ever have. He wants to know my flaws. Then the words quietly fell from my lips as tears roll down my cheek:

All this pain

I wonder if I’ll ever find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found

Could a garden come up from this ground at all

All around

I am thinking, I have tried GOD. What else can I do but fight the desire? What else GOD? I can't change. I continued singing: 

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

The reminder of hope out of my chaos, beauty out of the dirt in my life, growth will come. Change will appear. Yes, I can change.

The Lord has promised good to me.

His word my hope secures.

He will my shield and portion be,

As long as life endures.

And how can my night not end any sweeter. Words of encouragement and love from my Savior sang in front of me and out of my mouth hand in hand with my husband. Both unions squashing any kind of hindrance .. and just in awe of His timing, His tools, and His love for me.

Change comes through Him. I think the struggle is always how to rely on Him... but like I said earlier  "I had NO idea where to start in order to get there but I found out where to start." And it's in Him. 

Here is to another season in life, beginning with in Him and ending in relying on Him.

Happy writing my friends!

Just recently...

I have taken an interest in the life of Corrie Ten Boom. For the last month I have read two of her books "The Hiding Place" and "Tramp for the Lord." 

If you know me, I have a terribly hard time comprehending any book that I read. But these books were written for a brain like mine. Simple. Her life full of tragedy and persecution but all had been overcome with the Holy Spirit and her faith in God's promises. Her books are about her failures and God's successes in her life. And never once does she try to take even a sliver of the glory that God deserves. Her life is absolutely amazing... from her childhood (always involved in ministry with her family with soldiers, missionary kids, etc) to her 8th decade of life! 

In my last post, I mentioned how God has been using her life to teach me a few things. But after finishing her last book, there is more. During both reads, I could hear the Lord speaking to me oh so softly about these things:

1. Prayer. It's more important than I could ever imagine. It is my hotline. My access to Him. It's a blessing. It reminds me of the hope I have when I am hopeless... reminding me, it's not my burden. He is the ONE PERSON I can count on to ALWAYS be present, ALWAYS be listening, and ALWAYS be attentive. (There is nothing worse than talking to someone and you can tell they are half listening. But not Him.) Communication is important to Him which makes it important to me. Prayer is something I want to begin getting more comfortable and consistent with. 

2. Repentance. I have never liked this word. I have grown up in the church my whole life. I have been a believer of Christ since I was 8 years old and have walked with Him since. OF COURSE, I have gone astray. (I am human, people.) I have also never truly understood repentance. Through out the years, I have grasped small parts of repentance. At first I believed, it was just about the apology and FEELING the guilt of my sin. Obviously this is a very immature way of seeing it. But this is also a very common way of seeing repentance. Through bible college, I learned repentance had nothing to do with FEELING guilt- this was not the point of repenting. When Christ died for all of our sins, He took that guilt... so give it up. But repentance had to do with a change of mind and behavior. I believe this as well. But after reading her experience through repentance, it's a combination of all: apologizing for the sin and asking for forgiveness of that sin... and asking for the Holy Spirit to help change your focus and behavior. Repentance is reconciliation and dependence. And it's the best place to be. 

3. His Word. Be in it. Get to know it. One of my favorite quotes from the book "Tramp for the Lord," 

'It is the same with the Book. If you try to analyze it as a book of science or even a book of theology, you cannot be nourished by  it. Like chocolate, it is to be eaten and enjoyed, not picked apart bit by bit.' 

I spent two of my years (college) going to a Bible Institute. It was a great experience. But where I struggled most was the Bible was always being picked at. You know, phrase by phrase.. words and their definitions. I knew a lot... but I had and still struggle with applying all I had learned. For two years, it felt that I had analyzed it all... and now that I have to apply it I am lost. I think Corrie can be misinterpreted in this quote. I believe she is saying depend on the Holy Spirit to teach you through His Word. You don't need to be a slave to theology... but practice what you read. Be refueled, refocused, and refreshed in His Word daily. I believe there is struggle in passages but you should enjoy the Word before you get frustrated in the Word. I am FINALLY learning to enjoy the Word again. 

4. Forgiveness. A few years after Corrie was out of the German concentration camps, she was speaking at a church in Germany (I believe?) about forgiveness... and a man came up to her after she was finished. This man was no ordinary man off the street. But he was the man who had seen her naked in the showers, rejected her sister's illness to be seen by a doctor, and much more... it was the German officer at the camp she was at. He had become a Christian and knew that God had forgiven Him but needed to ask Corrie to forgive him. She said she didn't want to do it. She struggled to reach her hand out in forgiveness with a cold bitter heart. She prayed, asking Christ for help, depending on the Spirit to soften her heart to him and forgive him. As she did that her handed grabbed his, tears down her face acknowledging him as her brother and forgiving him for all the pain he had caused in her life. I like her quote about forgiveness as well:

'But forgiveness is not an emotion- I knew that too. Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.'

Well, I just loved her books and I would recommend them to anyone looking for a life to learn from. She is great and she is definitely a woman that loves God that I would look to as an example. I wish she was around to mentor me in all my many more years...!

What have you read lately?? :)

By the way, fun news! My husband just placed 12th out of over 70 people in a road bike race today!! Way to go baby!! :)

And everyone say hi to baby emma-elizabeth!!