If you have any heart- which I am sure you do- you should know this is a difficult post to write about. This is the second time I have written this. There are lots of feelings I need to be aware of. Lots of decision making before I click publish. There is a lot of thought, a lot of heart, and a lot of vulnerability going into a post like this. But the longer I have been married, almost a year... the more that I see many brides go through this. I believe some brides (like myself) go through these "dark days" earlier, and other's... later. But I have begun this process of remaining me, without losing him. It's a battle that can be won... and this is just part of my journey. :)
Of course, the first few months of marriage are the most fun, difficult, wierd, and awkward. Especially if you remained living separately through out the dating game and waited to be "one's love" til marriage. That's what we did... and I am so glad we waited. :)
BUT time was a tickin'. I was a itchin'. And I was more not myself than ever. Here in Washington, it doesn't help the rainy days, full of never ending clouds and never-a-chance of sun. Lots of changes were always happening... and there just wasn't a time of consistency. There was never a moment to catch-up with myself, at least that is what it felt like. These circumstances didn't help what I was fighting, especially when I had no idea what I was fighting.
(Disclaimer: Unfortunately, Daniel is a part of this growing process with me. And for some, it could be easy to blame Daniel for "making me think this way." BUT PLEASE UNDERSTAND, Daniel has always encouraged me to be confident in myself and in the Truth I know. He is honest with me. And it's unfortunate that I abused the privilege of him sharing his opinions and vulnerability with me and made it "mine." Through out the past 5 years, I have learned more from this man than I ever imagined. He is definitely a tool God has been using in my life, and I can ONLY imagine the work He will do in my life through Daniel. So please, if anything, be encouraged in Daniel's love and comfort for me, and encouragement to me. Thanks.)
Through out my relationship with Daniel, I realized that I lost me. Fortunately, I never lost him... but I did lose apart of me. Daniel was really the first boy I ever loved (besides my Daddy). I had crushes and such... but never did I think so highly as I did of Daniel. He was/is hot. He was/is adventurous. And he loves God and could see it in his life. I was head over heels for this guy. And I wanted everything to be with him. :)
BUT, this became a problem... of course. And I didn't even see it coming. Now 4 years later, it came to smack me in my face... right in the middle of our first year of marriage. I felt like I was always fighting something but I didn't know what it was. I felt lost. Isolated and sterile. Oh and how far that word makes me feel from everything- my husband, my family, my friends, my favorite state (CA) and my first love, the Lord. How far I felt from everything, including myself.
My whole life I had struggled with confidence (and it didn't help that I clung to Daniel for my life). I hated making decisions and I valued the opinion of others. Most of the time, I did things for other's reactions and affections... what a burden. But this attitude and focus of "doubting myself" made it very hard to figure out who I really am, what I am really about and what my heart really feels. Especially in marriage. The whole idea "one flesh" is sort of scary, at least that is what I was thinking a few months ago. As a woman, you take on so many different roles: domestic, full-time working, friend and wife...and some people take on MOM all in the same year! Then to blend that with different tastes, ideas, favorites, and wants... it can get a little messy. It's a lot of change at once. And at this point, I was lost. I didn't know where Jamie Angela Hoeppner went... but I was willing to find her. So, the journey began.
During the beginning, I was a bit hesitant. I was texting a friend and told her how isolated and sterile this process feels. It's the feeling of being distant and explainable... like I couldn't wrap my feelings into words. But as I think now, the process didn't have to be so distant... but my prayer life, was non-existent. I couldn't be any farther from the One who is always so near. I lost my self-confidence (of what I had), my joy for life, many opportunities, and my prayer life. Without knowing, I ran away from this confusion for so long that it finally became a wall I couldn't run past.
I lost most of my self-confidence over analyzing myself: my looks, my style, my behavior, my thoughts, my opinions, what other's thought about me (overall), and my lack of understanding the Truth of who I am having Christ in me (I didn't even understand this thought). I was always looking for way to find value in myself... and none ever lived up to my expectations. One way I found (some) satisfaction is when Daniel and I had the same opinion or thought on something. When we were so "similar" I felt so "close." So my confidence was not in myself, but in Daniel.
I lost my joy for life. My expectations were never met... because I always failed or embarrassed myself. When someone didn't think I was funny, I thought I was a loser. When someone told me I was too loud, I shut up completely because I wasn't worthy to talk. When I had some exciting realization and no one understood me and I just sounded so confusing, I felt like an idiot. I lost my joy to study the Word. I lost my joy to make other's laugh. I lost my joy to encourage and comfort. I wasn't worthy enough. (wow?)
I lost out on many opportunities because I was too scared. I feared losing someone, something, or someone's value on me. I let amazing opportunities slip right by me even if I had this feeling I shouldn't. There were times where I could have been given or experienced so many amazing things... but because of my lack of confidence, I lost out on it.
I lost out on my prayer life. Why? Because for some reason, I didn't seem to think to ask Him what He thought. That and I was too lazy to go in His Word and find it for myself, I wanted it to be given to me. Funny thing, the answers were given to me. I was seeking closeness and comfort and peace... and it was with me the whole time. I just chose to walk away from it.
And for Daniel. The pressure was enormous. I thought I felt burdened, imagine how he felt? He married a woman who was so hard to understand and get to know. He thought he married an open-book (and I thought I was one) but marriage really does bring out some things I would have maybe never seen?! It was discouraging for him because he didn't know how to encourage or comfort me because I didn't even know how. Worst, I believe he felt a bit helpless. But I am so thankful that he continued to be an ear for me, a hand to hold, and a lap to cry on. He took the pressure, wrapped it tightly and made it the most comfortable and peaceful place he could. He did what an amazing husband would do: just "be" with me and be hopeful for me. (Thanks baby.)
 |
Not the best photo of me, but a sweet moment for us. :)
This is the joyful Jamie and her sweet loving husband, Daniel. |
When I finally saw all of these problems... I was ready to find the solutions. But if you know one thing, there is TRULY only one solution. It's Him, my first love, my Lord. And ohhhhhh, when I decided to come to Him... the load got tremendously lighter. When I began my "desired disciplines" rather than make habit, I could feel a bit of freedom. When I made time for Him, I could see my thoughts being refocused. When I turned to Him for confidence, He said "trust Me." When I turned to Him to feel value, He said "I sent my Son to die for YOU!" When I turned to Him to fill me with joy, He said "What can bring you more joy than the hope I have set before you!" And when I finally gave into His Truth's that were already embedded in my heart... there was no stopping us!
I finally learned to say "yes" to myself.... to a cup of coffee, my favorite TV show, craft time, reading a book for hours and getting lost in the sun on my blanket by the grass. I finally began giving my opinion, speaking for myself, and being vulnerable. I was becoming more confident in my own "sense of style" and ideas. I began to enjoy cooking for Daniel and felt free to waste non-sense time relaxing and re-energizing. I began to be comfortable in my funny, quirky, loud personality of mine... I began to embrace it! I finally learned to stop asking Daniel for his opinion all the time... and come to find out, he hates that I ASK SO MUCH!? (hahaha)
And there is a different essence to our home. A bit more uniqueness and quirk. I enjoy our little tree house full of "us." I enjoy our happy moments of not caring and just enjoying. I love knowing that we might disagree on something and that doesn't mean we aren't "meant to be." I love knowing we are different. That we both need some time to ourselves sometimes and that I am not weird for that. I am still learning how to have friendships but I am so glad that he is great at his!
I realized that I can be me. I can remain myself and be married. That Daniel can be himself. And we can still be married. I realized that marriage is about "one flesh" but that it doesn't mean "same exact person" also known as "clone." We are both made so uniquely and this is what we should emphasize in our "one flesh" marriage. I don't know what you think, but my new "desired discipline" on top of praying specifically and JUST enjoying the Word (not analyzing) is focus on Daniel's unique and different qualities (that are different than my own) and appreciate them. And hopefully, I will learn to do the same for myself. But I believe there should be a balance, I don't want EVERYTHING to be about me. I will post back about those one day soon!
But I continue to fight, with a much stronger Army on my journey. I am thankful for those who have been praying for me... and encouraging me to write this post. I am totally praying that this would make way into someone's life who is struggling too... and that this would be more encouragement than anything. It's a beautiful picture when you find His glory in your marriage.
